Why I Keep Dating My Ex

No, this isn't going to be a swanky tale about why I keep going back to my ex-girlfriend I've dated on and off since I was 16.  That would be silly, and a bit romantic, and a lot of boring, right? No my friends, this is a narrative about my dating life where I'm left feeling like I'm living my very own Groundhog Day. That movie with Bill Murray and the cute, fat groundhog where no matter what Bill's character does he can't escape repeating the same day, over and over. Well for me it's not that I'm not dating the exact same girl over and over, but rather, feel like I'm dating the exact same kind of girl over and over. So failed relationship after failed relationship has led me to some soul searching in my continuing search for my soulmate.

If you haven't figured it out yet from my blog, I'm not perfect, and the more I read self-help books about relationships, the more I realize how flawed I am. We all are, my exes are, and it would be easy for me to look at them with retrospecs (yes I just made that up, it's clever, no?) and put the preponderance of blame on them for our relationships failing, but it's not. I am just as much to blame with the way I was approaching relationships and the decisions I would make in them. Initially when choosing people to date I would be drawn to gorgeous women that made me feel desired and appreciated. And that's not necessarily a bad thing in of itself, but on a sub-conscious level I believe I liked the idea of being a knight in shining armor or prince charming. I savored the feeling of being wanted, or worse yet, needed by someone you're becoming attached to. That feeling of your stability and companionship being valued, and everyone wants to feel valued.

I attribute my emphasis on wanting to be viewed as good enough by others started when I was a youth and felt weak and inadequate: physically, emotionally, and socially.  So as I grew older, I spent many years trying to overcome my perceived weaknesses and become a strong, complete person. Someone that I could be proud of and that other people could look up to, and even be a protector and helper to others in need. Not so much to feed my ego, but because I know the low points I've been at in my life. So even though I know I still have shortcomings, I now view myself as a capable and confident individual. And the way I found myself reaffirming this belief was through the validation of others, especially intimate partners.

Regardless of what your story is, the fact of the matter is no one can deny they want to feel wanted and valued, it's a basic human need. So being made to feel like a strong, desired person that your partner can depend on almost became like a drug for me. But as with most drugs, once the high wore off, I was left questioning whether or not this person was someone I actually wanted to spend my life with. And if I began to feel they weren't that person, or they made me feel like they weren't that person, I would quickly lose patience in them leading to eventual break-ups. And then would start this cycle over again looking for someone else that made me excited and believe.

The thing is, choosing a partner for life is about so much more than just having a good time. You should have great times with your significant other, a lot, but it's also about someone that will be there when you're low, and brings you up and makes you smile when you are. Someone who doesn't judge you, or ever try to tear you down, someone that you can talk about anything with, someone who challenges you to be your best, and is your best friend. Someone who is your equal.

Equal, in this sense, doesn't mean clone, that would be extremely boring if someone was exactly like you in every way. Equal just means someone that is at similar point that you are in your life and shares your philosophy about life. Philosophy simply meaning way of life, how you choose to approach it and live it. Wherever you are in your journey in life you need to find someone that is at a comparable place in theirs. The key is that you're both walking side by side, eye to eye, not one in front, nor one behind, but partners. So if you look at your partner with the realization they are depending on you for any reason other than love and support or you aren't good enough for them, then you are not with the person that you should be with.

Now I'm a firm believer in unconditional love, that's love without conditions. So you may be saying that this means I should have loved past partners for all their flaws and all, no matter what, and I do and I did in those relationships.  The difference is you can never truly be in-love unconditionally with someone who you don't feel in your heart is truly your equal, or you theirs.  Even if one person believes it, but the other doesn't, then it ultimately still fails because an imbalance has been established along with an acceptance of co-dependence, which will never go away.  And from this spiderwebs negative relationship habits that people do like keep score and deflect/minimize blame.

It's like building a home below sea level and wondering why it keeps flooding and getting washed out every so often.  It simply will never be this impenetrable fortress that a healthy relationship should be.  The hardest part is knowing who to start building this foundation with, We all want love, to be loved, to know what all these songs, movies, and TV shows are talking about. So we start looking for it in the wrong places, or really any place. And sometimes we confuse love for lust, or love for admiration, or perverse it however else that isn't based first on mutual respect and then similar goals in life.

There is no denying that dating and love are hard, finding that one person you should spend your life with is like trying to choose one star amongst the millions in the sky. So many can look so beautiful and shine so bright but which one was made just for you, and you for them. It's easy to discouraged because we live in an instant gratification society and we all want our Disney fairy tale, yesterday. It's interesting when I think back on different points of my life and who I was and how I viewed relationships. I can look at someone I dated when I was 26 and think I would have been so lucky to be able to marry that person when I was the 20 year old me. Yet, her and I are no longer together now for a reason.

In his book Scary Close, Donald Miller says that all relationships are "telelogical ", meaning they are all going somewhere.  Good, bad, or indifferent, relationships are fluid, and ultimately we have to find someone who is going where we want to go. As we are all constantly changing, we have to find that person whose soul is intertwined with our own and wants to change and grow the way we are.