A rose by any other name....

If there wasn’t enough reason already to believe everyone but me, my mom, and that guy who plays the saxophone for change on the bridge has lost their minds, recently a couple, Michael and Karolina Tomaro, in Sweden tried to name their child "Metallica", yeah, in honor of that Metallica, being as that it's their favorite band of all-time (or at least right now). And if that wasn’t bad enough, it was a girl that they wanted to name this. Actually, I guess metallica is technically the effeminate equivalent of metallic, but oh yeah, that’s right, it’s still not a real freakin’ name for a human being. Heck, if you named your dog this you should be smacked.

I'd like to know how this can even come up anyway. Okay honey, we've narrowed it down to three names: Kim, Amy, and Metallica, which do you like best? Wow, I mean wow, what a hard decision. Let's just go with Metallica, they kick all kinds of ass and it's such a pretty name.

I'm a heavy metal guy myself, but I’m not going to start naming my offspring after my favorite bands. How would that reflect on me if I named my son "As I Lay Dying", or my daughter "Norma Jean" -- okay, bad example, but you get the idea. What did your infant do to you to make you want to punish them for the rest of their lives? If you really want to show appreciation to your favorite group, isn't there some fan club you could join or something?

Where did this whole naming kids after things you like start anyway? It's ridiculous and pointless. Like the person/thing you're trying to honor even knows or gives a crap you named your child after them. And what are you hoping to accomplish by it, like if you name your daughter "Betty White", she's going to grow up and transform into Betty White. We all wish, but it's not happening.

Remember those weirdos that named their kid "ESPN" after the sports channel? Did they think the actual ESPN was going to come out and do a story about them? Come on. Oh wait, that's exactly what happened, but ESPN is a self-consumed, publicity whore, and that doesn't change the fact that Child Protective Services should have taken ESPN away from the parents, the kid and network.

But I can't decide what's worse, being named after something relevant, or something that people know of but no longer care about. Like in little Metallica's case, already the band Metallica is basically garbage, but by the time Metallica is in elementary school the band will probably be freakin' horrible and she'll have to walk around hearing:

10-year old jerk: Hey Metallica!
Metallica: What?
10-year old jerk who has a point: You suck!

And if the teasing wasn't bad enough, can you even imagine this poor girl trying to get a job? Who in their right mind is going to hire someone named Metallica, an employer will take one look at her resume and play wastebasket ball with it because he thinks it's joke. And who the heck would marry the chic? Steve and Metallica Jones? Dude, all I can say is she had better be really freakin' hot. Nice going Tomaro's, you have all but assured your daughter will be a future, lonely employee of the waste company.

I guess if they actually gave her a decent middle name she could go by that and be able to somewhat hide the fact her parents hate her. That's unless Mike and Karol decide to get really unique and choose "Rocks" as her middle name, in which case, should we schedule the therapy sessions now?

There is one upside to this story, however, if you noticed in the first sentence I mentioned they tried to name their baby this, that's because the Swedish National Tax Board is refusing to allow them to use this name. Thank you Sweden, the last thing we need is for this to be deemed acceptable and have other people follow in their crooked footsteps. It's too bad US officials don't have a similar viewpoint, maybe there wouldn't be so many strippers named after feminized sports cars. Some people may scoff at the importance of a name, but it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, what else can someone named "Porscha" do besides dance on a pole, work for Porsche?

Unfortunately, it seems that the Tomaros want to persist on the name. Come on guys, the Swede officials are doing you a favor and are trying to do what's in your best interest, and more importantly, what's in the best interest of your daughter. I know it will be hard to find something else to name her given that there's only tens of thousands of other genuine names to choose from, but in the long run it will be worth it when your daughter doesn't try to kill herself, or you.