"Hey man, where are all da chics?!"

Why is it that commercials have progressively gotten worse? I took an advertising class in college, therefore making me an expert, so I know it’s really not that hard to create an effective ad. Yet every time I turn on the television, I’m accosted by some of the most intellectually insulting drivel I’ve ever witnessed. Half the spots are full of irrelevant nonsense, and the other half are bursting with sex innuendos, or less subtly, half-nekked chics.

Take for instance the new K-Swiss commercial with Anna Kournikova in it. It starts out with a guy listening to a message from Anna on his answering machine warning him not to be late for her tennis match. Uh oh, I guess he forgot, because the next thing you know guy is jumping out of his office window to the ground, 5 stories below. Of course he lands safely thanks to his K-Swiss kicks. Rawk! The commercial continues from there with the guy leaping and climbing all over the city, Spiderman-style, till he arrives at Anna’s match just in time for her to look over and see him acting like he’s been there the whole time. Brilliant!

Seeing as that creating a commercial this idiotic on so many levels required sheer genius, like how you actually have to be really intelligent to get every answer wrong on a test. First of all, does Anna Kournikova even play tennis anymore? Exactly, and when she did, she wasn’t even any good. Now if Anna left me a voicemail, telling me anything, I would be extremely excited too, but if you were really in a hurry, I think driving is going to be a lot more efficient than hopping around the city like some frog on whatever swelled Barry Bonds’ dome. At least it wasn’t one of those inane commercials that doesn’t even showcase the product they’re trying to sell, as in the course of the guy’s expedition we get to see random freeze frames of his shoes.

On second thought, this was a very bad idea, because the shoes are freakin’ butt ugly. It’s like some red, white, and blue reject from Tommy Hilfiger. They’re horrible. Why does K-Swiss even still make shoes? I’m sorry, but when I think of sneakers, or shoes in general, K-Swiss doesn’t even register in my cranium. I’ll say this, if there was some bizarre circumstance where I just had to have a pair of gym shoes and the only store that was open only had K-Swiss in stock, I would buy Timberlands.

While that commercial was some of the worst garbage I’ve seen in a long while, it’s actually topped by a spot advertising P. Diddy’s new body spray. Hopefully you’re already cracking up, but if you haven’t seen it, it shows three “dudes” on a beach getting ready to Jet Ski. But before they do, one dude says he needs to do something first, at which point he whips out his Diddy Funk (or whatever it's called) body freshener and proceeds to douse himself with it. Not 2 seconds later, some chic levitates out of the water and approaches him with an aroused Hi. She then gets on back of the Jet Ski of the dude dripping with Diddy Funk to the dismay of the other 2 dudes. Let’s Roll!

Sorry, I’m not going to be able to finish this column, I’m suddenly compelled to go buy a case of Diddy Funk……



Or not. Wait, I’ve seen this commercial before, it was for AXE body spray, and it wasn’t appealing then. I mean wow, has there ever been a more blatant rip-off of another ad? And why copy something so deplorable? If anyone actually bought (buys) AXE anything because of their ridiculous ads showing chics flocking to goofuses who use it, then you should be banned from having money. I especially love the Diddy commercial because the guy puts it on before he’s going to Jet Ski, IN THE OCEAN. Anything you put on is going to be washed off almost instantly; the only thing you’re going to smell like is salt water.

But hey, he already has the chic, right? But he needed Puffy's secret aphrodisiac to get her, so once it washes off she will regain her senses and run away in horror. Okay, maybe I’m overanalyzing the whole thing, but that just shows how stupid it is. Think about it, if you can’t get chics, do you really think applying deodorant is going to somehow reverse that? If that really was your only problem, may I alternatively suggest the recent invention “the shower”. The same guys buying this stuff are the same guys who try to administer beer goggles to chics to increase their odds of getting them. Pathetic.

What’s even more amazing is that before I even finished writing this, YET another horrible body spray commercial has penetrated the television flaunting it's ability to allure females. What the heck is going on, are body sprays like the new substitute to sports cars for poor people? Hey, we realize not everyone can afford a new Benz, but being that you're finacially-challenged, you're probably also gullible, and certainly just as horny as every other guy, so buy this already!

This time the offender is Right Guard, and the ad is composed of some maladroit chic instructing me to purchase their aerosol crap so I can step up my game. Fine, maybe I could benefit from stepping my game up, but it’s certainly not going to be by using your lame product. Do companies really think the public is dumb enough to believe that the key to attracting women is smelling good, everyone already knows that it’s money. Just kidding (kind of).