I don't work here

I hate shopping. As any straight guy should. But outside of the normal annoyances of the act, I have to deal with borderline harassment. I don’t know if it’s something about me, or just something about a nicely dressed, well-groomed person being in a store, but for some reason people constantly assume I work at the stores I’m shopping in. It doesn’t even matter what the store is, but the most common denominator is definitely clothing stores.

If it happened once or twice, I could chalk it up to chance, but we’re talking about a lot. And it’s not like I’m even doing anything to trigger this phenomenon. Maybe if I was in the store folding clothes or standing by the counter, that would make sense, but I’m just there minding my own business.

Sure, it may not seem like a big deal, but how would you like someone saying to you, "Hey bud, can I get a dressing room?" "Sure bud, just wait here while I punch the clerk in the face and steal her key." Of course I just tell them I don’t work here, but it’s now an awkward situation for both of us because we feel like idiots. Well, the person does at least.

It’s even worse when someone tries to hold an entire conversation with you about the store’s products. What are you supposed to say? If you go along with the conservation and keep answering their questions, likely incorrectly, who knows how long you’re going to be stuck talking to this person. But if you just blow the person off right away and tell them that you don’t know and you don’t work here, you’re going to look like a prick. It’s a lose-lose situation.

Maybe I need start hanging out at lingerie stores. That way when my assistance is requested, it’s for things like giving my expert opinion on how a customer looks in her skimpies. Fine, I’m a bastard, but there should be some benefit to this superpower. Superman, Spiderman, and the goofus who people mistake for a retail bumpkin. At least I didn’t get screwed over or anything.

The more I think about it, the more I realize the whole thing is kind of insulting to me. I mean do I look I have to work in retail? I actually have a job that pays a lot more than $6 an hour, thanks though. While you’re at it, why don’t you just assume I’m one of those guys that scrape up roadkill off the street. Geez.

The ironic thing is, back in the day when I actually did work in retail, at a health/sports nutrition store, people would walk in the store I was employed at and ask me if I worked there on more than one occasion. And this would happen when I was the only person in store besides them. Of course I would be like, "Uhh, no." And then run behind the counter, open the register, grab some cash, and jet out of the store. Actually I would say, "Why yes I do ma’am, how may I be of assistance to you!" "Oh, you would like one of those kits to help you beat a drug test, fine choice!"

You gotta love druggies. Or not. Especially the paranoid ones that want to whisper the whole time you are talking to them about these drug kits when you’re the only ones in the store. The feds aren’t going to hear you, I’m not wired, it’s going to be alright. If you’re so worried about it, how about not doing drugs in the first place? It’s not like I want to be here helping you commit something illegal and unethical anyways.

But back to the original point, if you see me in a store, I don’t work there. Aight? Unless of course I hit rock bottom and actually did, in which case, mah bad.