The Stock Market of Life

March 21st Edition

Up:

Gus Johnson (CBS Sports Announcer): Gus is awesome. I’m amazed he doesn’t get allocated to all the premier sporting events that CBS broadcasts. I can’t tell if dude is just an insane showman or just really loves sports, but I’m convinced he could make anything exciting. I seriously could watch women’s cricket if he was calling the match. The thing about Gus is you don’t appreciate him till he’s not there. The first couple times I witnessed him do NFL and NC2A games, he was barely distinguishable from other random announcer guys, I mean I’m usually more focused on the actual game to care what the broadcasters are saying. In some instances, I’m even appreciative for the mute button.

But once you experience a couple games with Gus, his presence is undeniable, and after you get over the initial puzzlement of how someone can be so freakin’ excitable over literally everything, his energy is simply infectious. It could be like 6 to 2 in a basketball game, someone will execute a nice tip dunk, and Gus will go off harder than most announcers that just witnessed a game-winning buzzer beater. Guy is sick, I love him.

Scott Sloan (Host of AM Radio Show): Being the man that brought us the March Madmen Tournament and WNIT (Women’s National Insanity Tournament), which pits infamous wackos against each other in a fictional event to decide who is the biggest lunatic of the past year, you know he has to be on the up. His show generated the epiphany that the supply of stupid in society is endless, and I’ve now realized I can’t stop hearing about it.

Skip Bayless (Sports Columnist): The Cobra, I love this guy. If there’s a more passionate and hated sportswriter out there, please tell me. Personally I don’t get the hate, while you might not agree with the guy, you have to respect him for being one of the few journalists with the testicular fortitude to articulate an unpopular opinion. Plus, he always brings the knowledge to actually back it up; you have to love how he gets after it.


Down:

My Job: Some IT guy decided it was necessary to regulate internet access to Code Orange. That basically means everyone is banned from everything but stamps.com. Not only do I have to work during a majority of March Madness, but now I can’t even watch the games on the computer at work because it refuses to download anything. Trust me, it’s not even about lost productivity, because the alternative is thrusting my head against a wall, repeatedly. I can understand banning offensive sites, I’m all for that and that’s how it’s always been, but why suddenly ban every site I actually go to. Uh oh, that CD store and auction site you frequent is the equivalent of p0rn, BLOCK’D.

Greg Anthony (ex-NBAer and ESPN Personality) - I already had a strong notion Greg was one of those guys who just likes to hear himself talk and needs to feel like he’s right all the time. It was confirmed by his recent opinion in which he claimed Greg Oden of Ohio State didn’t intentionally foul Xavier’s Justin Cage when Oden bull-rushed and slammed Cage to the floor at the end of the Xavier-Ohio State basketball game last weekend. I didn’t even care that this was his opinion, but his credibility as a journalist was nullified when he called them X-avier (it’s pronounced “Zavier”).

Seriously, this might have been understandable 20 years ago when the school was predominantly unknown outside of the region, though it still wouldn’t have made it okay for a ”professional”, but if you don’t know how to pronounce this school by now, you shouldn’t be getting paid to spew uneducated opinions on national television. Someone saying “X-avier”, and not talking about some bald guy in a floating wheelchair that chills with mutants, is putting out a disclaimer that “you should ignore everything I’m about to say”.

The Hills (TV Show?): I finally get it, THIS is why the rest of the world hates us. Worst. Show. Ever.

Joey Porter (Miami Dolphin, ex-Steeler): Being as this is the same guy that got shot outside a bar (in the buttocks of all places) and had some Pit Bulls that got loose and killed a horse, why am I not surprised that he just got charged with misdemeanor battery on the Bengals’ Levi Jones in a Vegas casino. I get the whole Bengals-Steelers rivalry, but you’re a frickin’ Dolphin now, you’re irrelevant. My guy Levi is a monster though, and I love how a witness said Jones picked-up and tossed Porter 10 feet. Keep in mind Joe weighs 250 pounds. And it took Joe, along with 6 of his knuckleheaded boys, to actually take down Levi so Joey could hit him and snatch his jewelry. Note to Joe, bro, you’re a clown and your indecipherable, dolphin-pitched, war cries should do well in the Miami locker room.