"The Illusionary Prison" - Drasle Tome Volume II

Life, an ever-flowing stream of conscious and unconsciousness. Intertwined and impossible to control, but one can't help but wonder if the current they are floating on is the right one. Forcing me to question whether or not I am maximizing my potential and abilities. I could have been a musician, or a writer - maybe. But would that have made me happy? It's impossible to know, which makes regret the most debilitating fear one can have. To believe you are wasting your life, or have wasted your life. Especially once youth has passed us by, and we begin to accept we can no longer learn, grow, change. You can't go back, you have to move forward. Yet it's a chain reaction, sometimes an unbreakable cycle; the decisions we make have consequences.

So we wander through life, always believing we are missing out on something, that there's more out there. While never taking the time to appreciate what we have right in front of us. We live the way others have made us believe we should, yet they can't live for us, and are probably emptier in inside than we are are. It's ironic that we all progress through life, yet so few of us ever really progress. The first step to enlightenment requires a moment where you ask yourself what you're doing and why you're doing it, then consciously no longer allowing the wants everyone else creates to force your way.

I eventually realized that the opportunities I didn't have, the things I didn't get or do, despite wanting them, were some of the best things to happen to me - by not happening to me. As if I had a guardian angel watching over me, protecting me from myself. Why did I deserve to be so lucky?

Or perhaps I just realized what I had in front of me all along, what truly mattered. Everything you do and experience in life contributes to the person you are, but you ultimately decide whether or not it will effect you positively or negatively, and to what degree.

So as I float along my stream towards self-improvement and enlightenment, I appreciate the person I have become. Though a lack of perfection brings mistakes, which breed regret, this provides me with the opportunity to force out negativity and other's false ideals, increasing my sense of fulfillment.

"A Near Life Experience" - Drasle Tome Volume I

Recently I had a dream.......I should pause here because the fact that I am writing about a dream I had is amazing in of itself because I never remember any of them 5 minutes after I wake up. So the fact that I am recalling one probably means it was significant.

And it was. I vividly remember standing on a street like any other street with houses and cars. But as I was standing there a black tornado was approaching from the horizon behind me. And as it bore down on me, it was engulfing the entire sky and earth in its path. All I wanted to do was run and find a way to escape.......but I couldn't because there was no where to go. And I remember feeling the most emptiest, horrible feeling anyone could ever feel. But in that moment I saw life, and my life clearer than I have ever saw it before. Overwhelmed by shame for all the stupid mistakes that I have made and angered by all the time I wasted on meaningless endeavors. And the only thing I could have ever wanted or needed in that moment was to change my life, but I couldn't because it was too late. And I felt so hopeless.

.....And then I woke up and realized it was all a nightmare, yet the sense of despair still lingered. And I'm glad it did because even though I knew I couldn't undo my sins, I knew from that point on I had time and the opportunity to live up to my fullest potential. Of course if I allow myself to get caught up in everyday life it will only be a matter of time before I fall back into the same cycles of emptiness I've lived in. So the challenge is incorporating the theory into practice, easier said than done, right?

There's only been 2 instances in my life where I've felt completely consumed by dread: one conscious, and this one sub-conscious. Either enough to be life changing, if one could successfully change their life from it. I only wish it were possible to embrace this dire sensation whenever I'm once again falling into the trappings of this life and my mind and soul need clarity. So why is it that we can't learn how to live until we're face to face with death?

Hands Full of Nothing

The more I live life, the more I come to realize it will never make sense to me. Like how someone can have everything, basically, yet they can only focus on the things they don't have. And the fixation on these things make everything else seem irrelevant. This is how we live our lives: looking for something, chasing something, always wanting something more; never appreciating the things we have. We're taught to look negatively on complacency and praise ambition, but what's the point of being driven if you never embrace the destination? Of course life is about the journey, not the end, because the end is your end, the cessation of your existence, so your instinct is to continue to strive.

Thus we live like parasites and leeches, using each other for our own benefits and gains. I myself feed off competition, the exercise of winners and losers; it's an endless cycle because the stimulation of success gives your life purpose. But only a few can win, and many lose, and no one can win all the time, so the dire cycle eventually destroys us all.

So are all of our gestures in life just meaningless acts meant to delay the inevitable? Not if we learn to appreciate what we have and find a way to transcend our innate self-centeredness. No longer feeling like I'll be happy if I just had ________, because once we obtain these things, we're going to gaze around and the things that we had, and truly mattered along, will be gone. The relentless sensation of emptiness is only in our minds, we're trained to feel this way, to consume life, but in reality it's only consuming us. Everything we really need, we already have, and what we don't, we get by living, not hunting.

The happiest people in the world are the ones that live inside each moment instead of for the next. It's no wonder that when people are on the verge of death that they see life so clear, and few have no regret. When one can no longer look forward in life, they have no choice to look back, and it's then that they realize how much of it they wasted on frivolous things.

I've come to believe it is possible to be truly happy in life, accepting that I'm not there now, or perhaps that is just my ambition creating another destination. Or maybe I am already truly happy, at least have everything I need to feel that way, I just haven't opened my eyes yet.

Wings for Julie

I've never been big on holidays. I'll celebrate them because they can be important to the people around me, but I don't get excited about them, it's just usually a process of going through the motions. There is one holiday that is special to me, however, Mother's Day, because of what it represents, obviously appreciation for my mom.

Who just happens to be the most important person in my life, my role model, and the reason I am who I am today (at least the good aspects). Of course there is nothing that I could do for her on this particular day to show the amount of love and appreciation that I have for her (plus make up for all the grief I'm sure I've caused), but I suppose it's the thought that counts. And though I unfortunately tend to take her for granted and lose track of the things that really matter in the fast-paced nonsense of everyday life, I'm glad there is a day that forces me to take a step back and realize how truly blessed that I am.

So on this Mother's Day do yourself a favor and tell the woman that gave you life how much she means to you, because you never know when you might lose her. And if you happen to be one of the unfortunate ones that that no longer has their mom, do something special in her honor, and let the people who you still have know how much they mean to you. Seize the opportunity to leave no regrets.

The brittle dress we wear

A friend of some friends died in a car wreck this past week. She was my age, pretty girl, world at her fingertips I'm sure. I didn't know her personally, but I didn't need to, news like this is always hits home hard, when someone dies at such a young age. We all think we're so invincible, take so much for granted, yet the reality is in a flash everything can be gone. She probably woke up that day with everything on her mind but her own mortality, now she's no longer with us, loved ones never given the opportunity to say goodbye. So they'll grieve for awhile, eventually have to accept reality, and then go back to being self-consumed in their self-centered lives.

That's no knock on them personally, this is what we do as humans. I'm culpable myself. We waste away our days in a false sense of security driven towards empty ends till something like this shakes us up, offering the possibility of enlightenment, before we decide it's simply easier to assimilate back into the cycle of self-service and unfulfillment. So many of us, too many of us leave this life in vain, having lived for nothing and accomplishing nothing. But "something" isn't wealth, power, or accolades; it's leaving the world a better place than you were given it, even if that impact is only felt by one person.

So the point is to live each day to the fullest. Carpe Diem. Simple idea, yet I doubt many understand the concept for its true worth. It's not about hedonism and overindulgence, it's about spreading love and peace, and striving for happiness, true happiness. Not that stuff that wears off after the initial high of a 50" flat-screen or brand new car. Let the ones you love know you love them, treat everyone with respect, and have no regrets. Honestly, I don't understand the point in living any other way. Oh yeah, that's right, our egos and television tend to tell us differently. Of course the way it is, isn't the way it has to be, it only is, because that's what we believe.

To think it only took 25 years of me shifting from one desire to the next believing that each would make me happy, while all along only the opposite was being accomplished, and staring across this vast wasteland of an earth and seeing that the happiest people I saw were the ones that had essentially nothing in terms of wealth, looks, prestige, etc., to finally have an understanding what it actually means to be happy. Of course they are still plenty of people with "nothing" that waste their lives chasing after "something" and a few with "something" that are able to grasp a semblance of true happiness. It's all about how you live, and that's the only advice I'll leave you with, to live, truly. Live for the daughter that will grow up without a mother because of what happened earlier this week.

So we meet again

Well, I decided to re-open Simon's Mind after a loooooong hiatus. I'm as surprised as you, but I got a lot to say. Plus 2008 is the Year of the Rat, which means absolutely nothing. Or if you prefer to follow the ICRI, it's the Year of the Reef, because they want to "raise awareness about the value and importance of coral reefs". Friggin' weirdos. Oh well, SIMON'S FREAKIN' MIND is back, ROCK YEAH!!!