Today I’m 25. Save the “Happy Birthdays!”, there’s nothing happy about it. Thing is, I just realized I’m a loser. Sure, you could point to the fact that I’m sexy, intelligent, ripped, and have one of top 1,000 blogs, in the state of Ohio at least, and say I have a lot going for me. The only problem is I’m not going anywhere. I’m stuck in a dead-end job, I’m single, and I haven’t accomplished anything or contributed to the betterment of society. And it doesn’t help when I currently have about as much ambition as an 87 yr. old man has sex drive. I mean what have I been doing for the last 25 years? Apparently not anything worthwhile.
The worst thing is when you can’t even remember certain years of your life, and I’ve never been on drugs or alcohol. Like I barely remember anything from year 23. It’s understandable since everyday was basically the same as the last that year, pointless. Though I’ll concede there was one highlight, it was the year I graduated from college. Of course that turned out really well, here I am now working a crappy job with no future.
If I could only go back to year 18, the year I graduated from high school. A wide-eyed kid with the world at his fingertips and big aspirations of doing something important and making the world a better place. Unfortunately, I had no clue what that actually meant, so I went off to college like a good lad hoping I would find the answer. I put my time in, made good grades, and left with the world at my fingertips and big aspirations of doing something important and making the world a better place.
Man, what the #@^&! Who am I kidding though, I would have done the same thing again. It’s just that life would be so much better, if it was so much better. If things could ever make sense. I suppose life is what you make it though. Or maybe not.
I mean look at Britney Spears. She had world recognition, every straight male over 13 in love with her, and more paper than Mead. Yet, she ended up marrying an albino rat, popped out some kids, got divorced and now she’s breaking out of rehab, getting tatted up, and shaving her head. Thug life or quart-life crisis? At least when famous people breakdown, everyone gets to see them look really freakin’ crazy. Would anyone care if I got caught not wearing drawers in public? Man, it’s so lonely being me.
If it can happen to Britney though, well, is anyone immune? So maybe this is just something everyone goes through around this age and I’m just overreacting. Who knows? What I do know is that today is the day I take the initiative and work towards building a better tomorrow for everyone. Actually, I’m going to start tomorrow because I’m dead tired after having to work 12 hours today, did I happen to mention it’s my FRICKIN’ birthday.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
The Law of Averages
You ever notice how everything you loved as a kid pisses you off when you become an adult? Sugar, Halloween, MTV, other people’s kids, the list goes on and on, but nothing makes such a monumental swing as snow. As a kid this is what I wished for 365 days a year, it was soft, white, and awesome. Its presence brought the possibility of a day off of school and the guarantee of fun. So what in the heck happened? Truth be told, I would still go sledding and heave snowballs at my friends’ domes if I had the time, so snow in of itself is still pretty sweet, it’s just all the other garbage that comes with it.
In order to understand my strife, you first have to understand my city. Around here it doesn’t snow a whole lot, but enough, so the potential is always there. And when it does snow, it’s like the sky has fallen, twice. For every inch we get you have to multiply that by 10 to calculate the actual effect it has on people. Just the forecast of snow saturates television and radio airwaves like horns signaling impending death. White death. Sure, I’d rather people be prepared then act like it’s the middle of summer, but can we not exhibit some common sense and reasonable judgment?
Case and point, people can’t drive. People here can’t drive in the rain, heck, most people everywhere can’t drive when it’s 80 and the sun is shining, so when a snowflake falls, you better believe it’s every man for himself on the roadways. Personally, I drive slower than I usually do, as anyone should. The keyword, however, is slower, not slow as molasses being sucked through a straw by your grandma in a sub-zero temperature. You want to be safe, so do I, but that doesn’t mean you have to drive 5 mph whenever you approach a 10 degree incline. I would like to get to work before the end of my shift so there was some purpose to me driving all the way there. Perhaps next time I should just walk, seriously, next time I’m really going to have to consider walking as I might save a few minutes. Come on people, at least give me 15 miles per.
I’ll give snow tortoises some credit though, they aren’t as bad as the “super badass in the SUV” who thinks snow and ice are just discoloration to the pavement, or better yet the “super badass in the Ford Taurus” who thinks this. Do these people drive faster when the weather gets worse to prove a point? I don’t want to see bad things happen to anyone regardless of how ignorant they are, but when you drive like Danica Patrick with diarrhea you’re provoking the weather to kick your ass. You might be saying, “Haha, eat my black ice, sucka!”, but what you’re really saying is, “I’ll see you in 5 minutes when my car is flipped and the paramedics are using the Jaws of Life to rip me out.” Is it too much to ask for some happy median between being a sissy and psychotic?
What makes the whole driving predicament even worse is the fact that you can’t avoid it. There’s no snow days in the real world, and trying to tackle this pseudo albatross day in and day out reminds you of how much a piece of dung your car is. I guess mine tried to handle one too many snow bumps as my transmission started sounding like Anne Kirkbride having an asthma attack. Every year in the winter it’s something with my car. I deserve it though. I used to get so mad when it snowed and they didn’t call off school, that I hoped “they’s” cars would veer off the road and get stuck in a ditch. Maybe then they would have seen these weren’t suitable conditions for kids to be enriching their minds. Hey, these bastards made me go to school more than the required 180 days a year in case there were snow days, and they never let us out early if we didn’t use all these days.
Anyways, the problem with my car was magnified by the fact that it happened on the same day I worked 12 hours, before having to come back again the next day to work 12 more. And in-between I got to shovel 4 inches of snow from my driveway as a fantastic bonus. Remember when you got paid to do that? Now you have to do it for free after working all day when all you want to do is enjoy luxuries like eating and sleeping. I thought I was such an entrepreneur when I used to make a killing doing a couple driveways a day, now I’m going to end up just paying all that money to some neighborhood punk, with inflation. Yeah, screw you, snow. (Note: I just realized this rant might have actually been entertaining had it been about the goofy, Canadian, reggae artist.)
In order to understand my strife, you first have to understand my city. Around here it doesn’t snow a whole lot, but enough, so the potential is always there. And when it does snow, it’s like the sky has fallen, twice. For every inch we get you have to multiply that by 10 to calculate the actual effect it has on people. Just the forecast of snow saturates television and radio airwaves like horns signaling impending death. White death. Sure, I’d rather people be prepared then act like it’s the middle of summer, but can we not exhibit some common sense and reasonable judgment?
Case and point, people can’t drive. People here can’t drive in the rain, heck, most people everywhere can’t drive when it’s 80 and the sun is shining, so when a snowflake falls, you better believe it’s every man for himself on the roadways. Personally, I drive slower than I usually do, as anyone should. The keyword, however, is slower, not slow as molasses being sucked through a straw by your grandma in a sub-zero temperature. You want to be safe, so do I, but that doesn’t mean you have to drive 5 mph whenever you approach a 10 degree incline. I would like to get to work before the end of my shift so there was some purpose to me driving all the way there. Perhaps next time I should just walk, seriously, next time I’m really going to have to consider walking as I might save a few minutes. Come on people, at least give me 15 miles per.
I’ll give snow tortoises some credit though, they aren’t as bad as the “super badass in the SUV” who thinks snow and ice are just discoloration to the pavement, or better yet the “super badass in the Ford Taurus” who thinks this. Do these people drive faster when the weather gets worse to prove a point? I don’t want to see bad things happen to anyone regardless of how ignorant they are, but when you drive like Danica Patrick with diarrhea you’re provoking the weather to kick your ass. You might be saying, “Haha, eat my black ice, sucka!”, but what you’re really saying is, “I’ll see you in 5 minutes when my car is flipped and the paramedics are using the Jaws of Life to rip me out.” Is it too much to ask for some happy median between being a sissy and psychotic?
What makes the whole driving predicament even worse is the fact that you can’t avoid it. There’s no snow days in the real world, and trying to tackle this pseudo albatross day in and day out reminds you of how much a piece of dung your car is. I guess mine tried to handle one too many snow bumps as my transmission started sounding like Anne Kirkbride having an asthma attack. Every year in the winter it’s something with my car. I deserve it though. I used to get so mad when it snowed and they didn’t call off school, that I hoped “they’s” cars would veer off the road and get stuck in a ditch. Maybe then they would have seen these weren’t suitable conditions for kids to be enriching their minds. Hey, these bastards made me go to school more than the required 180 days a year in case there were snow days, and they never let us out early if we didn’t use all these days.
Anyways, the problem with my car was magnified by the fact that it happened on the same day I worked 12 hours, before having to come back again the next day to work 12 more. And in-between I got to shovel 4 inches of snow from my driveway as a fantastic bonus. Remember when you got paid to do that? Now you have to do it for free after working all day when all you want to do is enjoy luxuries like eating and sleeping. I thought I was such an entrepreneur when I used to make a killing doing a couple driveways a day, now I’m going to end up just paying all that money to some neighborhood punk, with inflation. Yeah, screw you, snow. (Note: I just realized this rant might have actually been entertaining had it been about the goofy, Canadian, reggae artist.)
Friday, February 16, 2007
"Get on the ground, pervert!"
People are screwed up. Not that this wasn't already common knowledge, but after watching Dateline's "To Catch a Predator" series, I'm now positive people are really, really ****ed up. The series takes an in-depth look at the work of Perverted Justice, an organization that sets-up sting operations to catch pedophiles. The gist is that the group goes into online chatrooms posing as underage youths and waits for degenerates to try to court and solicit them. The final step is making plans for the pedophile to come and meet their new friend in person. Once they arrive, that is when the hilarity ensues.
I say hilarity only because I never ceased to be amazed by how pathetic people can truly be and there's something amusing about watching a miscreant go from absolute elation to sheer horror in mere moments. Like someone grabbing an old lady's person and as soon as the thief turns around to run, getting a sledgehammer slammed into their package. I don't even want to imagine what is going through one of these guys' (it's almost always grimy, middle-aged men predictably enough) minds when they are driving to meet the 13 yr. old kid they have been talking to. Unfortunately, it's hard not to when the police find things like condoms and "sexual enhancers" on these derelicts. Of course once caught, they almost always claim they wouldn’t have had the nerve to actually do anything. Really? Then how come you had the nerve to drive all the way over to some strange house, and are now standing in it while being broadcast on national television, scumbag?
And nothing beats the moment these guys get caught. It's such a brilliant set-up. A kid actor meets the freak at the door and leads them into the house, at which point Dateline's host, Chris Hansen, pops out and basically says, "Gotcha you sick bastard!". It's amazing, the whole sting takes place at one house and hour after hour, these degenerates keep showing up and getting caught. If not completely freaked out already and jetting for the door upon seeing Hansen, he tries to ask the perpetrator questions to better understand their mentalities. "So, yeah, what in the flying **** is wrong with you?"
You have to admire the naivety of the guys who go through the whole spiel of admitting what they did was absolutely despicable to Hansen, and then offer their thanks for helping them realize the error of their ways before saying they will never do this again. Basically thinking this is just some Dateline investigation, but as soon as they leave the house...BAM...the police are using their faces as a garden tool. Of course once they are in custody, they act like they have no idea what is going on and why they were arrested. Then out come the records of every chatroom conversation they had with the "kid". Being grilled by cops and having them read the stuff I wrote back to me would have me so sick and embarrassed I would blown my brains out right then and there. Fortunately, I will never face this predicament because I'm not a flaming sack of feces. One guy actually said he was joking when he typed the things he did and he always makes jokes like that. Wow guy, you're a pedophile and an idiot.
That wasn't even the best excuse one of these lowlifes gave. This is no joke, one guy actually tried to claim he wasn't going to do anything with the girl and was waiting for her mom to come home so he could warn her about people like him. Except according to him, he was one of the good guys, and it's a good thing to, because who knows what could have potentially happened to the little girl. And I guess it's also a good thing the police found that lubricant in your pocket you sick son of a *****.
But nothing, and I mean nothing, can top the guy who got arrested with Dateline's cameras rolling. Twice. In one freaking week. The guy got busted, posted bail, and then goes and does the exact same thing AGAIN. How much of a mental midget do you have to be for that to happen? Is there anyone in their right mind that can now tell me that anyone who is convicted of being a pedophile shouldn’t receive the death penalty? Evidence has proven time and time again that is no rehabbing these sadists and the recidivism rate is astronomical. They need to be lined up and shot one by one executioner style. An inhumane punishment, sure, but we're talking about inhumane monsters. Is there any sector of society more vile than pedophiles? The most depressing thing is that a lot of the time these guys have a wife and kids.
I have no idea what creates a pedophile, but I sure as heck know their disease is only furthered by the ills of internet. How easy it is to obtain child porn smut and find chats to try and lure innocent little kids into their worlds of perversion. Suddenly I’m all for just demolishing this whole internet thing, thanks a lot Al Gore. Besides my blog, what good is really coming of it? The only positive of this situation is that there are people are doing something about it, and programs like “To Catch a Predator” help educate parents. But you have to wonder for every sleazeball that is caught, how many out there are getting away with it?
I say hilarity only because I never ceased to be amazed by how pathetic people can truly be and there's something amusing about watching a miscreant go from absolute elation to sheer horror in mere moments. Like someone grabbing an old lady's person and as soon as the thief turns around to run, getting a sledgehammer slammed into their package. I don't even want to imagine what is going through one of these guys' (it's almost always grimy, middle-aged men predictably enough) minds when they are driving to meet the 13 yr. old kid they have been talking to. Unfortunately, it's hard not to when the police find things like condoms and "sexual enhancers" on these derelicts. Of course once caught, they almost always claim they wouldn’t have had the nerve to actually do anything. Really? Then how come you had the nerve to drive all the way over to some strange house, and are now standing in it while being broadcast on national television, scumbag?
And nothing beats the moment these guys get caught. It's such a brilliant set-up. A kid actor meets the freak at the door and leads them into the house, at which point Dateline's host, Chris Hansen, pops out and basically says, "Gotcha you sick bastard!". It's amazing, the whole sting takes place at one house and hour after hour, these degenerates keep showing up and getting caught. If not completely freaked out already and jetting for the door upon seeing Hansen, he tries to ask the perpetrator questions to better understand their mentalities. "So, yeah, what in the flying **** is wrong with you?"
You have to admire the naivety of the guys who go through the whole spiel of admitting what they did was absolutely despicable to Hansen, and then offer their thanks for helping them realize the error of their ways before saying they will never do this again. Basically thinking this is just some Dateline investigation, but as soon as they leave the house...BAM...the police are using their faces as a garden tool. Of course once they are in custody, they act like they have no idea what is going on and why they were arrested. Then out come the records of every chatroom conversation they had with the "kid". Being grilled by cops and having them read the stuff I wrote back to me would have me so sick and embarrassed I would blown my brains out right then and there. Fortunately, I will never face this predicament because I'm not a flaming sack of feces. One guy actually said he was joking when he typed the things he did and he always makes jokes like that. Wow guy, you're a pedophile and an idiot.
That wasn't even the best excuse one of these lowlifes gave. This is no joke, one guy actually tried to claim he wasn't going to do anything with the girl and was waiting for her mom to come home so he could warn her about people like him. Except according to him, he was one of the good guys, and it's a good thing to, because who knows what could have potentially happened to the little girl. And I guess it's also a good thing the police found that lubricant in your pocket you sick son of a *****.
But nothing, and I mean nothing, can top the guy who got arrested with Dateline's cameras rolling. Twice. In one freaking week. The guy got busted, posted bail, and then goes and does the exact same thing AGAIN. How much of a mental midget do you have to be for that to happen? Is there anyone in their right mind that can now tell me that anyone who is convicted of being a pedophile shouldn’t receive the death penalty? Evidence has proven time and time again that is no rehabbing these sadists and the recidivism rate is astronomical. They need to be lined up and shot one by one executioner style. An inhumane punishment, sure, but we're talking about inhumane monsters. Is there any sector of society more vile than pedophiles? The most depressing thing is that a lot of the time these guys have a wife and kids.
I have no idea what creates a pedophile, but I sure as heck know their disease is only furthered by the ills of internet. How easy it is to obtain child porn smut and find chats to try and lure innocent little kids into their worlds of perversion. Suddenly I’m all for just demolishing this whole internet thing, thanks a lot Al Gore. Besides my blog, what good is really coming of it? The only positive of this situation is that there are people are doing something about it, and programs like “To Catch a Predator” help educate parents. But you have to wonder for every sleazeball that is caught, how many out there are getting away with it?
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Valentine's Day
Dear Tiffani,
This February 14th could, would be mine?
Would thou do thee honor of being thy Valentine?
Now I know it may be awkward since you already have a spouse
But we're all mature adults so I'm sure we can work it out
Like I don’t even mind if he stays outside in the guesthouse
Because to me it just seems like we got this special thing
Like I dream and while you’re oblivious to everything
I guess it all started back when I was twelve
I got hip to a shizzow called Saved by the Bizell
Then like an angel from Heaven I saw this chic name Kel
And I thought, “Golly gee, that girl sure is swell”
But then I realized she’s the most popular chic at Bayside
I mean what could I offer her that chic way too fly
And even if I tried, I know Jesse would be a hater
Telling her I’m some chauvinistic pig like that dude called Slater
Not even that goofus Screech would have had my back
Instead of supporting me he would’ve had helped that punk ass Zack
So it was all so hopeless and it all seemed
Like after you two got married that was the end of my dream
But when I woke up you had moved to Beverly Hills with Ian Ziering
But now I was kind of scared of you because you were kind of being mean
So I then accepted that I would never get you to have dinner at my place
But that all changed when I saw you on myspace
So I sent you a message and it felt really great
That was until I realized the page was made by some gay guy named Raik
I was so mad the whole thing was fake
I could have popped and locked on that dude like a broken gate
Even now I still refuse to believe we will always be apart
So please be my Valentine and that would be a start
If you at least consider it, that would be really cool
because I’m tired of telling my people you're my girlfriend and looking like an asshole
This February 14th could, would be mine?
Would thou do thee honor of being thy Valentine?
Now I know it may be awkward since you already have a spouse
But we're all mature adults so I'm sure we can work it out
Like I don’t even mind if he stays outside in the guesthouse
Because to me it just seems like we got this special thing
Like I dream and while you’re oblivious to everything
I guess it all started back when I was twelve
I got hip to a shizzow called Saved by the Bizell
Then like an angel from Heaven I saw this chic name Kel
And I thought, “Golly gee, that girl sure is swell”
But then I realized she’s the most popular chic at Bayside
I mean what could I offer her that chic way too fly
And even if I tried, I know Jesse would be a hater
Telling her I’m some chauvinistic pig like that dude called Slater
Not even that goofus Screech would have had my back
Instead of supporting me he would’ve had helped that punk ass Zack
So it was all so hopeless and it all seemed
Like after you two got married that was the end of my dream
But when I woke up you had moved to Beverly Hills with Ian Ziering
But now I was kind of scared of you because you were kind of being mean
So I then accepted that I would never get you to have dinner at my place
But that all changed when I saw you on myspace
So I sent you a message and it felt really great
That was until I realized the page was made by some gay guy named Raik
I was so mad the whole thing was fake
I could have popped and locked on that dude like a broken gate
Even now I still refuse to believe we will always be apart
So please be my Valentine and that would be a start
If you at least consider it, that would be really cool
because I’m tired of telling my people you're my girlfriend and looking like an asshole
Sunday, February 11, 2007
And you said the Pro Bowl was stupid
Admit it, you didn’t watch the Pro Bowl. Not that I blame you, I mean why would you? It’s by far the worst “all-star” game there is, heck it’s even a weaker exhibition than a pre-season game. At least those 2nd and 3rd stringers are busting their asses for a job, the only incentive there is for a Pro Bowler is an extra $20,000; they make that in 4 minutes during the season. To say they put forth 25% effort would be generous, yet I can’t fault them, why get hurt over a game this meaningless? Instead of continuing with this mockery, they should just eliminate the whole game and have those voted as all-stars play each other in Madden or something. Yet somehow, for some reason, everything changed Saturday. Suddenly the Pro Bowl didn’t suck, at least not as much as it usually does.
It all started when Bills' Punter Brian Moorman got hit by a semi-truck. It happened during the 3rd quarter when poor Brian was instructed by AFC coach Bill Belichick to run for it on 4th down instead of doing what he was voted there to do, punt. He ran alright, right into Redskins' safety Sean Taylor’s flying forearm. While it seemed like everyone else on the field was jogging, because it was the Pro Bowl after all, Taylor literally came out of nowhere running at 154 mph. I don’t know if he thought it was LaVar Arrington carrying the rock (LaVar hit him with a shaving cream pie to the grill in ’04 which caused Sean to cry and seek medical attention for his eyes, you can check it out on youtube), but before anyone could blink, Taylor ignited Moorman’s entire body 8 feet in the air, suspending it completely horizontal. Remember now, Moorman is a punter, he has the body frame of a high school freshmen, Taylor is a 230 pound beast. It was the equivalent of one of those crash test dummy commercials where the car runs into a brick wall, and the dummy goes flying through the windshield.
After the football was ejected out of bounds, Moorman’s body came crashing back down to earth as he stayed there on one knee for a number of seconds, motionless. Honestly, I didn’t know if he was dead. Even if he wasn’t, I wouldn’t have got up, at least not until the police showed up and I made sure to get his insurance information. Yet, moments later, Moorman sprang up and acted like nothing had happened. On top of that, he actually went out on the field to give his regards to Taylor for the hit. “Thanks dude, for knocking the living $#!^ out of me!”
Seriously, you have to love sports though, if this were anywhere else, U.S.A, this guy would be suing Taylor and wanting him imprisoned for battery. But on the football field, in an attempt to not fulfill the inescapable role of a wimpy kicker, Moorman has the inexplicable fortitude to congratulate someone for forcing him to cash-in some of his frequent flyer miles. I guess he was just glad Taylor didn’t try to spit on him. If they can make intentional grounding legal in this game, then they sure as heck better institute a rule in every Pro Bowl from here on out making it mandatory that there’s at least one play where a kicker runs a fake. I will clear my schedule the day of the Pro Bowl every year to ensure I can watch it if they do this.
Unfortunately for a while, it seemed as if that lone, solitary play would be the only excitement in another otherwise pointless excursion between representatives of the AFC and NFC. Yet, in an unfathomable plot twist, after scoring a touchdown in the final 3 minutes, the NFC recovered an onside kick. Suddenly, after trailing by 14 points in the 4th quarter with everyone ready to actually enjoy Hawaii, the NFC decided to make the game interesting. A minute later, Cowboys' quarterbackTony Romo had tied up the game with a 47-yard bomb to Cardinal receiver Anquan Boldin. What in the world was going on? To the dismay of everyone involved in the game and the delight of those who wasted 3 hours of their life watching it, it looked as if the Pro Bowl would go to overtime. For a player, that is the equivalent of you going to work and doing the job of one of your subordinates for free.
Being the gallant stallion that he is, however, Bengals' quarterback Carson Palmer galloped onto the field with a minute and half left and drove the AFCers into NFC territory. Then, with his sights focused on pay dirt, he heaved the ball towards the end zone as Bengals wideout Chad Johnson awaited its arrival before being flanked by Cardinal Safety Adrian Wilson. Despite the fact that the interference call prevented a touchdown and eventual conclusion to the game, it all but still ensured the AFC would win if they could execute a chip shot of a field goal. Chargers' kicker Nate Keading did just that and the AFC had won! Or better yet, everyone had won as the game wasn’t as much of a joke it usually is. Maybe next year you’ll think twice before watching Cheaters instead of the Pro Bowl.
It all started when Bills' Punter Brian Moorman got hit by a semi-truck. It happened during the 3rd quarter when poor Brian was instructed by AFC coach Bill Belichick to run for it on 4th down instead of doing what he was voted there to do, punt. He ran alright, right into Redskins' safety Sean Taylor’s flying forearm. While it seemed like everyone else on the field was jogging, because it was the Pro Bowl after all, Taylor literally came out of nowhere running at 154 mph. I don’t know if he thought it was LaVar Arrington carrying the rock (LaVar hit him with a shaving cream pie to the grill in ’04 which caused Sean to cry and seek medical attention for his eyes, you can check it out on youtube), but before anyone could blink, Taylor ignited Moorman’s entire body 8 feet in the air, suspending it completely horizontal. Remember now, Moorman is a punter, he has the body frame of a high school freshmen, Taylor is a 230 pound beast. It was the equivalent of one of those crash test dummy commercials where the car runs into a brick wall, and the dummy goes flying through the windshield.
After the football was ejected out of bounds, Moorman’s body came crashing back down to earth as he stayed there on one knee for a number of seconds, motionless. Honestly, I didn’t know if he was dead. Even if he wasn’t, I wouldn’t have got up, at least not until the police showed up and I made sure to get his insurance information. Yet, moments later, Moorman sprang up and acted like nothing had happened. On top of that, he actually went out on the field to give his regards to Taylor for the hit. “Thanks dude, for knocking the living $#!^ out of me!”
Seriously, you have to love sports though, if this were anywhere else, U.S.A, this guy would be suing Taylor and wanting him imprisoned for battery. But on the football field, in an attempt to not fulfill the inescapable role of a wimpy kicker, Moorman has the inexplicable fortitude to congratulate someone for forcing him to cash-in some of his frequent flyer miles. I guess he was just glad Taylor didn’t try to spit on him. If they can make intentional grounding legal in this game, then they sure as heck better institute a rule in every Pro Bowl from here on out making it mandatory that there’s at least one play where a kicker runs a fake. I will clear my schedule the day of the Pro Bowl every year to ensure I can watch it if they do this.
Unfortunately for a while, it seemed as if that lone, solitary play would be the only excitement in another otherwise pointless excursion between representatives of the AFC and NFC. Yet, in an unfathomable plot twist, after scoring a touchdown in the final 3 minutes, the NFC recovered an onside kick. Suddenly, after trailing by 14 points in the 4th quarter with everyone ready to actually enjoy Hawaii, the NFC decided to make the game interesting. A minute later, Cowboys' quarterbackTony Romo had tied up the game with a 47-yard bomb to Cardinal receiver Anquan Boldin. What in the world was going on? To the dismay of everyone involved in the game and the delight of those who wasted 3 hours of their life watching it, it looked as if the Pro Bowl would go to overtime. For a player, that is the equivalent of you going to work and doing the job of one of your subordinates for free.
Being the gallant stallion that he is, however, Bengals' quarterback Carson Palmer galloped onto the field with a minute and half left and drove the AFCers into NFC territory. Then, with his sights focused on pay dirt, he heaved the ball towards the end zone as Bengals wideout Chad Johnson awaited its arrival before being flanked by Cardinal Safety Adrian Wilson. Despite the fact that the interference call prevented a touchdown and eventual conclusion to the game, it all but still ensured the AFC would win if they could execute a chip shot of a field goal. Chargers' kicker Nate Keading did just that and the AFC had won! Or better yet, everyone had won as the game wasn’t as much of a joke it usually is. Maybe next year you’ll think twice before watching Cheaters instead of the Pro Bowl.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Super Bowl Aftermath
Now that another Super Bowl has come and gone, so come the complaints about everything from the play on the field to the commercials. Almost every year it's the same thing, once everyone sobers up they are griping and complaining, or just flat-out bummed, because the event didn't live up to expectations. But that is the first problem of the whole scenario, the event is too hyped up to begin with. No single sporting event in the U.S. receives the exposure that the Super Bowl does, primarily because it’s the most popular sport in America, but also because it’s the only major professional sport in which a single game, rather than a series, determines a champion. But that is where the accommodations should end. There’s no reason to try and cater to non-football fans and make the Super Bowl out to be the must-see event of the year like it’s the season finale of “24”. If you didn’t care about football before this game, why would you care now?
As for actual football fans, you need to smarter about getting sucked into the hype and succumbing to the talking heads. It doesn’t help when you’re force-fed this trash from ever sports outlet for two straight weeks, which is why they need to eradicate the 2-week hiatus between the Conference Championship games and the Super Bowl. I get that the players involved want to take care of all the logistics surrounding the Super Bowl, which can be distracting if they only had one week, but let the organization worry about that stuff as more focus is lost with the 2-week layoff and the media gauntlet players go through as a result of it. That’s why 75% of the time the final scores are lopsided and one of the teams undoubtedly makes you wonder how they got there in the first place. Unfortunately as it stands now, this system is in place, so you only have yourself to blame if you get so intoxicated from “pre-game preparation” that you’re passed out by the opening kickoff.
I for one wasn’t letdown by the actual game, you know why? Because I paid no credence to it till it actually started. Admittedly, I had no vested interest in either team, or any team in the playoffs this year for that matter (yes, I’m bitter the Bengals underachieved), but there is nothing to talk about for 336 hours, so why listen? Go find something productive to do, you always see these NFLers requesting your assistance from United Way, so help your guys out or something. Then when the game is on, watch it, and if it happens to be disappointing, oh well, you only wasted 3 and half hours. Trust me, the less important you make something out to be, the less upset you will be when it falters. It’s not like any fan didn’t know what to expect anyway. Rex Grossman is garbage and Peyton Manning isn’t. Peyton wasn’t lights out, but he didn’t need to be, as long as he and the offense didn’t have a complete meltdown, you knew there was no way the Bears would be able to score enough points to win the game. So were the Colts a lock? Of course not, but when there’s too much evidence refuting the defiance of conventional wisdom, stop thinking so much.
Another thing that aggravated me was all the complaints about the weather, I mean this is still football, right? Last I checked throughout the regular season and the playoffs the elements play a factor in games played in non-domed stadiums, so why come the most important game of the season should we suddenly fix it so that the game is played in the perfect environment? It’s bad enough the game always gets shifted to a warm weather setting, but now there’s an outcry for it to always be played in a dome. The game should be cycled amongst all the cities that have a team, and if it happens a Super Bowl is played in a blizzard, so be it, the unpredictability of nature is part of the essence of the game. The real reason behind any of this isn’t the actual play on the field, both teams are dealt the same circumstance so one team isn’t getting an advantage, but rather the fact the media and the people who can actually afford tickets (i.e. soft, rich people) want to be comfortable. Ironically, this furthers the argument for why the game should be cycled throughout the league, as anything that deters non-football fans from attending and media orgies is a positive thing.
Of course if shellacking the game and the weather wasn’t enough, people were equally critical of the commercials. Do I feel they were anything to rave about? No, but do you remember the ones from last year, or the year before that? If you don’t, go check a commercial archive, they sucked! Like always the beer commercials provided at least a chuckle, but this year there were actually a few memorable standouts like the ones from Sierra Mist, the beard comb-over was classic (mainly because I can see 40-something, self-conscious men really doing this), and Snickers’ “Lady and the Tramp” spoof. Yeah, gay jokes are old, but when in doubt go with bread and butter, it certainly works better than Emerald Nuts’ nonsensical Robert Goulet ad. If this is somehow funny, maybe I’m not old enough to care why. I get that he is an old crooner, but what does that have to do with him being some office scourge? If this was meant to be funny for the sake of randomness or something, then well, that’s just not funny. So yeah, it seemed like most companies tried too hard, but it says something about the absurdity of the game when the commercials surrounding it have become an event in of themselves.
The only thing it seemed people weren’t completely dissatisfied with was the halftime show. Of course I can’t comment because I didn’t watch it, I never do. I never understood why even it had to become some extra incentive to watch the game. That is, incentive for people who don’t even like football to watch for the promise they’ll at least walk away with some entertainment value. Too bad football is boring, huh? If it wasn’t bad enough that these people are distracting to those who want to actually watch the game at Super Bowl parties, which begs the question of what’s the point of attending a Super Bowl party unless forced by a significant other (in which I may suggest growing a pair), but why does everything in and surrounding the game have to be about everything but the actual game?
I don’t want to see a dog running around catching Frisbees just as much as the next guy, but how come it seems the only alternative is to have some lame song and dance act self-promote themselves, as if there wasn’t enough of that already imbedded into the Super Bowl. Which brings me back to the ads for a moment; I can’t remember which one it was (goes to show how effective it was), but one them had like seven different brands being advertised in one 30-second spot. I thought my head would explode from the over saturation of subliminal secretions, I guess they at least got their moneys worth though.
But back to halftime, I don’t understand why more people don’t use this opportunity wisely. It’s the perfect time to get some grub, use the bathroom, do whatever you need to do that you couldn’t while sitting in front of the tube. Sure, you could do this stuff during the commercial breaks, but then there’s a chance you could miss something mildly amusing, when was the last time a halftime shown was even remotely amusing? Yeah, I missed Justin cop a feel on Janet, I got over it after 6 seconds, and since that time things have only gotten worse. In an attempt to be conservative, organizers seem to try to dig up any fossil they can and put them on stage, but I don’t think they even know what demographic they are trying to draw anymore. It’s embarrassing. You might as well just run commercials the entire hour, or however long it is now. Seriously, the whole thing is about money anyway.
One final note about the actual game, I found it interesting that the past two Super Bowl champions’ titles came the year after they were the favorite to win it all heading into the playoffs. Given this trend, it would seem like the odds-on favorite to win it next year would be the Chargers. The one difference, however, is that in the previous two years, the #1 seed was upset by the team that would go onto to win the Super Bowl. The Steelers lost to the Patriots in ’05 and the Colts lost to the Steelers in ’06, and obviously the Chargers lost to the Patriots this year. So basically what this all proves is that the Bengals will win the Super Bowl in ‘08. Okay, maybe not.
As for actual football fans, you need to smarter about getting sucked into the hype and succumbing to the talking heads. It doesn’t help when you’re force-fed this trash from ever sports outlet for two straight weeks, which is why they need to eradicate the 2-week hiatus between the Conference Championship games and the Super Bowl. I get that the players involved want to take care of all the logistics surrounding the Super Bowl, which can be distracting if they only had one week, but let the organization worry about that stuff as more focus is lost with the 2-week layoff and the media gauntlet players go through as a result of it. That’s why 75% of the time the final scores are lopsided and one of the teams undoubtedly makes you wonder how they got there in the first place. Unfortunately as it stands now, this system is in place, so you only have yourself to blame if you get so intoxicated from “pre-game preparation” that you’re passed out by the opening kickoff.
I for one wasn’t letdown by the actual game, you know why? Because I paid no credence to it till it actually started. Admittedly, I had no vested interest in either team, or any team in the playoffs this year for that matter (yes, I’m bitter the Bengals underachieved), but there is nothing to talk about for 336 hours, so why listen? Go find something productive to do, you always see these NFLers requesting your assistance from United Way, so help your guys out or something. Then when the game is on, watch it, and if it happens to be disappointing, oh well, you only wasted 3 and half hours. Trust me, the less important you make something out to be, the less upset you will be when it falters. It’s not like any fan didn’t know what to expect anyway. Rex Grossman is garbage and Peyton Manning isn’t. Peyton wasn’t lights out, but he didn’t need to be, as long as he and the offense didn’t have a complete meltdown, you knew there was no way the Bears would be able to score enough points to win the game. So were the Colts a lock? Of course not, but when there’s too much evidence refuting the defiance of conventional wisdom, stop thinking so much.
Another thing that aggravated me was all the complaints about the weather, I mean this is still football, right? Last I checked throughout the regular season and the playoffs the elements play a factor in games played in non-domed stadiums, so why come the most important game of the season should we suddenly fix it so that the game is played in the perfect environment? It’s bad enough the game always gets shifted to a warm weather setting, but now there’s an outcry for it to always be played in a dome. The game should be cycled amongst all the cities that have a team, and if it happens a Super Bowl is played in a blizzard, so be it, the unpredictability of nature is part of the essence of the game. The real reason behind any of this isn’t the actual play on the field, both teams are dealt the same circumstance so one team isn’t getting an advantage, but rather the fact the media and the people who can actually afford tickets (i.e. soft, rich people) want to be comfortable. Ironically, this furthers the argument for why the game should be cycled throughout the league, as anything that deters non-football fans from attending and media orgies is a positive thing.
Of course if shellacking the game and the weather wasn’t enough, people were equally critical of the commercials. Do I feel they were anything to rave about? No, but do you remember the ones from last year, or the year before that? If you don’t, go check a commercial archive, they sucked! Like always the beer commercials provided at least a chuckle, but this year there were actually a few memorable standouts like the ones from Sierra Mist, the beard comb-over was classic (mainly because I can see 40-something, self-conscious men really doing this), and Snickers’ “Lady and the Tramp” spoof. Yeah, gay jokes are old, but when in doubt go with bread and butter, it certainly works better than Emerald Nuts’ nonsensical Robert Goulet ad. If this is somehow funny, maybe I’m not old enough to care why. I get that he is an old crooner, but what does that have to do with him being some office scourge? If this was meant to be funny for the sake of randomness or something, then well, that’s just not funny. So yeah, it seemed like most companies tried too hard, but it says something about the absurdity of the game when the commercials surrounding it have become an event in of themselves.
The only thing it seemed people weren’t completely dissatisfied with was the halftime show. Of course I can’t comment because I didn’t watch it, I never do. I never understood why even it had to become some extra incentive to watch the game. That is, incentive for people who don’t even like football to watch for the promise they’ll at least walk away with some entertainment value. Too bad football is boring, huh? If it wasn’t bad enough that these people are distracting to those who want to actually watch the game at Super Bowl parties, which begs the question of what’s the point of attending a Super Bowl party unless forced by a significant other (in which I may suggest growing a pair), but why does everything in and surrounding the game have to be about everything but the actual game?
I don’t want to see a dog running around catching Frisbees just as much as the next guy, but how come it seems the only alternative is to have some lame song and dance act self-promote themselves, as if there wasn’t enough of that already imbedded into the Super Bowl. Which brings me back to the ads for a moment; I can’t remember which one it was (goes to show how effective it was), but one them had like seven different brands being advertised in one 30-second spot. I thought my head would explode from the over saturation of subliminal secretions, I guess they at least got their moneys worth though.
But back to halftime, I don’t understand why more people don’t use this opportunity wisely. It’s the perfect time to get some grub, use the bathroom, do whatever you need to do that you couldn’t while sitting in front of the tube. Sure, you could do this stuff during the commercial breaks, but then there’s a chance you could miss something mildly amusing, when was the last time a halftime shown was even remotely amusing? Yeah, I missed Justin cop a feel on Janet, I got over it after 6 seconds, and since that time things have only gotten worse. In an attempt to be conservative, organizers seem to try to dig up any fossil they can and put them on stage, but I don’t think they even know what demographic they are trying to draw anymore. It’s embarrassing. You might as well just run commercials the entire hour, or however long it is now. Seriously, the whole thing is about money anyway.
One final note about the actual game, I found it interesting that the past two Super Bowl champions’ titles came the year after they were the favorite to win it all heading into the playoffs. Given this trend, it would seem like the odds-on favorite to win it next year would be the Chargers. The one difference, however, is that in the previous two years, the #1 seed was upset by the team that would go onto to win the Super Bowl. The Steelers lost to the Patriots in ’05 and the Colts lost to the Steelers in ’06, and obviously the Chargers lost to the Patriots this year. So basically what this all proves is that the Bengals will win the Super Bowl in ‘08. Okay, maybe not.
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