The Law of Averages

You ever notice how everything you loved as a kid pisses you off when you become an adult? Sugar, Halloween, MTV, other people’s kids, the list goes on and on, but nothing makes such a monumental swing as snow. As a kid this is what I wished for 365 days a year, it was soft, white, and awesome. Its presence brought the possibility of a day off of school and the guarantee of fun. So what in the heck happened? Truth be told, I would still go sledding and heave snowballs at my friends’ domes if I had the time, so snow in of itself is still pretty sweet, it’s just all the other garbage that comes with it.

In order to understand my strife, you first have to understand my city. Around here it doesn’t snow a whole lot, but enough, so the potential is always there. And when it does snow, it’s like the sky has fallen, twice. For every inch we get you have to multiply that by 10 to calculate the actual effect it has on people. Just the forecast of snow saturates television and radio airwaves like horns signaling impending death. White death. Sure, I’d rather people be prepared then act like it’s the middle of summer, but can we not exhibit some common sense and reasonable judgment?

Case and point, people can’t drive. People here can’t drive in the rain, heck, most people everywhere can’t drive when it’s 80 and the sun is shining, so when a snowflake falls, you better believe it’s every man for himself on the roadways. Personally, I drive slower than I usually do, as anyone should. The keyword, however, is slower, not slow as molasses being sucked through a straw by your grandma in a sub-zero temperature. You want to be safe, so do I, but that doesn’t mean you have to drive 5 mph whenever you approach a 10 degree incline. I would like to get to work before the end of my shift so there was some purpose to me driving all the way there. Perhaps next time I should just walk, seriously, next time I’m really going to have to consider walking as I might save a few minutes. Come on people, at least give me 15 miles per.

I’ll give snow tortoises some credit though, they aren’t as bad as the “super badass in the SUV” who thinks snow and ice are just discoloration to the pavement, or better yet the “super badass in the Ford Taurus” who thinks this. Do these people drive faster when the weather gets worse to prove a point? I don’t want to see bad things happen to anyone regardless of how ignorant they are, but when you drive like Danica Patrick with diarrhea you’re provoking the weather to kick your ass. You might be saying, “Haha, eat my black ice, sucka!”, but what you’re really saying is, “I’ll see you in 5 minutes when my car is flipped and the paramedics are using the Jaws of Life to rip me out.” Is it too much to ask for some happy median between being a sissy and psychotic?

What makes the whole driving predicament even worse is the fact that you can’t avoid it. There’s no snow days in the real world, and trying to tackle this pseudo albatross day in and day out reminds you of how much a piece of dung your car is. I guess mine tried to handle one too many snow bumps as my transmission started sounding like Anne Kirkbride having an asthma attack. Every year in the winter it’s something with my car. I deserve it though. I used to get so mad when it snowed and they didn’t call off school, that I hoped “they’s” cars would veer off the road and get stuck in a ditch. Maybe then they would have seen these weren’t suitable conditions for kids to be enriching their minds. Hey, these bastards made me go to school more than the required 180 days a year in case there were snow days, and they never let us out early if we didn’t use all these days.

Anyways, the problem with my car was magnified by the fact that it happened on the same day I worked 12 hours, before having to come back again the next day to work 12 more. And in-between I got to shovel 4 inches of snow from my driveway as a fantastic bonus. Remember when you got paid to do that? Now you have to do it for free after working all day when all you want to do is enjoy luxuries like eating and sleeping. I thought I was such an entrepreneur when I used to make a killing doing a couple driveways a day, now I’m going to end up just paying all that money to some neighborhood punk, with inflation. Yeah, screw you, snow. (Note: I just realized this rant might have actually been entertaining had it been about the goofy, Canadian, reggae artist.)