"The Illusionary Prison" - Drasle Tome Volume II

Life, an ever-flowing stream of conscious and unconsciousness. Intertwined and impossible to control, but one can't help but wonder if the current they are floating on is the right one. Forcing me to question whether or not I am maximizing my potential and abilities. I could have been a musician, or a writer - maybe. But would that have made me happy? It's impossible to know, which makes regret the most debilitating fear one can have. To believe you are wasting your life, or have wasted your life. Especially once youth has passed us by, and we begin to accept we can no longer learn, grow, change. You can't go back, you have to move forward. Yet it's a chain reaction, sometimes an unbreakable cycle; the decisions we make have consequences.

So we wander through life, always believing we are missing out on something, that there's more out there. While never taking the time to appreciate what we have right in front of us. We live the way others have made us believe we should, yet they can't live for us, and are probably emptier in inside than we are are. It's ironic that we all progress through life, yet so few of us ever really progress. The first step to enlightenment requires a moment where you ask yourself what you're doing and why you're doing it, then consciously no longer allowing the wants everyone else creates to force your way.

I eventually realized that the opportunities I didn't have, the things I didn't get or do, despite wanting them, were some of the best things to happen to me - by not happening to me. As if I had a guardian angel watching over me, protecting me from myself. Why did I deserve to be so lucky?

Or perhaps I just realized what I had in front of me all along, what truly mattered. Everything you do and experience in life contributes to the person you are, but you ultimately decide whether or not it will effect you positively or negatively, and to what degree.

So as I float along my stream towards self-improvement and enlightenment, I appreciate the person I have become. Though a lack of perfection brings mistakes, which breed regret, this provides me with the opportunity to force out negativity and other's false ideals, increasing my sense of fulfillment.

"A Near Life Experience" - Drasle Tome Volume I

Recently I had a dream.......I should pause here because the fact that I am writing about a dream I had is amazing in of itself because I never remember any of them 5 minutes after I wake up. So the fact that I am recalling one probably means it was significant.

And it was. I vividly remember standing on a street like any other street with houses and cars. But as I was standing there a black tornado was approaching from the horizon behind me. And as it bore down on me, it was engulfing the entire sky and earth in its path. All I wanted to do was run and find a way to escape.......but I couldn't because there was no where to go. And I remember feeling the most emptiest, horrible feeling anyone could ever feel. But in that moment I saw life, and my life clearer than I have ever saw it before. Overwhelmed by shame for all the stupid mistakes that I have made and angered by all the time I wasted on meaningless endeavors. And the only thing I could have ever wanted or needed in that moment was to change my life, but I couldn't because it was too late. And I felt so hopeless.

.....And then I woke up and realized it was all a nightmare, yet the sense of despair still lingered. And I'm glad it did because even though I knew I couldn't undo my sins, I knew from that point on I had time and the opportunity to live up to my fullest potential. Of course if I allow myself to get caught up in everyday life it will only be a matter of time before I fall back into the same cycles of emptiness I've lived in. So the challenge is incorporating the theory into practice, easier said than done, right?

There's only been 2 instances in my life where I've felt completely consumed by dread: one conscious, and this one sub-conscious. Either enough to be life changing, if one could successfully change their life from it. I only wish it were possible to embrace this dire sensation whenever I'm once again falling into the trappings of this life and my mind and soul need clarity. So why is it that we can't learn how to live until we're face to face with death?